Here is my disclaimer to this posting….NO PITY. I will have none of that shit. No feeling sorry or worried, either. I am doing what I think we don’t do enough of and that is being REAL. So hang on….it’s ugly. Oh, and there is some cussing (no apologies there). It does end on a happy note….
I’ve written before about my husband’s strategy to keep me out of the emotional abyss by keeping the MRI appointments secret until the absolute moment when he finally cracks under my pressure. I got him on April 1st this go around – 16 days before the appointment. Yikes! He should have held out a bit longer … wimp. I may have to back off the scare tactics.
Anxiety is a bitch, and she has taken up shop in my head. Some days she seems to be raising venture capital and franchising. I do my best to keep her in line, but as the date appraoches, all bets are off. Actually, I held my own pretty well until this week. Maybe a bit more wine consumption. House looks like a pit. A few (hundred) unreturned calls/emails. But all in all a pretty successful stretch. Yoga is my lifeline and girls lunches are my reprieve. I’ve cried ALOT in yoga lately – no worries. All good. I’ve teared up in conversations. Understandable. I’ve learned to cut myself major slack.
When I stop and reflect on what is going on in my brain, I realize I am slowly allowing the anxiety in….
I made Monday the day to wave the white flag and surrender to the reality of what I am feeling. I have been waving that surrender flag like a boss this week, by the way.
Here is how today went – again, just being REAL. And trust me, there is not an atom of my being that feels badly or embarrassed by any of this. I deserve to fall completely apart and throw a ginormous pity party. And because I can and do, I will be able to wake up and tackle the world on Thursday (no matter what the MRI shows tomorrow)
The universe knew what I needed and gave a cloudy, rainy day to Charlotte. Thank you!!!! One of my best friends sent me text early (like 6am early) hoping for a day of PJs and trashy TV…you know me so well! (I was already armed with chocolate, homemade goodies and wine from other besties…So blessed.). Yoga was miserably hot and humid and hard and BLISSFUL. I thought about nothing for an hour except staying alive. Well, that and the fact that my sweat ran up my nose and made me feel like I was in a swimming pool snorting water. Oh and I had a happy new Lulu tank …. That was good.
I was determined NOT to have this goodness last.
Quick shower and I crawled under the covers in bed. Hey, if Alicia Florrick can do it……
I knew I had to leave for carpool at 2:40….. It was already 10:15am. Shoot. Running out of time. 2 hours into having taken to my bed (isn’t that an awesome phrase by the way? “I must take to my bed.” Love it) I check my phone to be sure Eric hasn’t dropped dead. Oh yes, that’s where my mind goes. He had checked in…to remind me that the wipers needed to be changed on my car and I said I would do that today. Did I? And you believed me? Sorry honey, not going to happen. Too busy.
The only thing that propelled me from my bedchamber was hunger. I did in fact clean up the kitchen and start to attack my closet….. Start is key. Finished hasn’t happened. Uh oh. Sigh. Oh well. Off to the couch. I was exhausted.
I had about a hour and a half, and I decided a good idea would be to turn on Apple TV and listen to every possible song that would make me cry. One. After. Another. It took about an hour for me to grow sick of myself. That was one hell of an hour, though. Ugly, ugly crying. How beautiful, really. The permission to fall apart and revel in it is an indulgence to be sure.
Ok. 30 minutes left to let the puffiness and redness dissipate….let’s google something. Peeps. (Favorite Easter candy….stale of course.). I had enough of my pity party – it was very successful – and all good things must end. I had been meaning to check out the funny things people do with Easter Peeps (who knows…)
Hot yoga peeps!
Peeps at the beach
Chemistry peeps (LOVE)
The creme de la creme….
I ended my day in laughter (and wine).
I am ready for tomorrow.