My husband is having daily radiation and chemo. I choked on those words the first couple of weeks. I sat on pins and needles waiting. Waiting for him to feel sick. Waiting on him to be tired. Waiting on him to…change. Just waiting. And then, as with every part of this journey, I found my new (again) footing. I found it in the stories he brought home from his radiation visits. I found it in the friendships he was making with everyone at Levine. I found it in the jokes he was cracking, the love he was giving and the life he was leading. As I always do, I found all my strength in Eric. I found my strength in our love for one another, for our children, for our life and most definitely I found strength in our laughter.
Three recent moments have fortified me and allowed me to shift from waiting to living – all occurred during yoga (yeah, no surprise there. seriously y’all, yoga is the bomb.) One was a sense of being of surrounded by STRENGTH. The word filled my head and my heart and gave me incredible peace. I am strong. Eric is strong. Y’all are strong for us. I came home to tell Eric and as it turns out he experienced a very similar moment (different message) at the same time. Never doubt the power of the Holy Spirit to give exactly what you need when your heart is open to receiving.
The second moment came when I was checking my phone during yoga. Don’t judge. I have a husband with a brain tumor, and I grant myself permission to check my phone any damn time I want – even during yoga! :) He told me he REFUSED to be tired from the radiation (even if his hair was beginning to fall out). I focused on that word the rest of class – it became my intention for 90 minutes of movement. An excellent word and one I find myself reflecting on often. What can we refuse? We can refuse negativity. We can refuse to give up. We can refuse to back down. We can refuse to stay silent. We can refuse to run away. We can refuse defeat. It is an empowering word – a word of choice and strength. We refuse. And when we refuse the negative, the ugly, that which does not serve us in a positive way….then what? We MOVE. We move toward the positive. We move toward action. We move toward joy. We move into peace.
The last moment is actually one I experience every single time I go to my yoga studio. It is quite amazing really. Here I am with a group of once strangers who now feel like family. I have become very close to some, others I know by their first names. Still others I know their face and we smile. We have a rhythm. We have a shared purpose and connection. It is simply the safest place I have ever felt. The magic to me is alive within that space. I laugh every day. Every day there is something funny, something joyful and pure. Laughter. It lightens my soul and brings me happiness. Once I began to see it, I started to crave it. Along with all the other wonderful yoga benefits, I have a place that I can laugh every day.
I’m not waiting anymore for the bad stuff to happen. I have found my STRENGTH to REFUSE and to MOVE toward LAUGHTER. That is how you crush a brain tumor!